WE HOLD THE FOLLOWING TO BE TRUE:

The city of Melbourne has a vibrant comedy past. Not so long ago, Melbournians would flock to comedy venues in their thousands, every night of the week, where they would cheer on the triumphs of the great, encourage the promising, and piff tomatoes at the woeful.

But, one day, a dark cloud fell upon Melbourne's comedy scene. A Festival, nurtured and loved by comedians as a celebration of the city's humour, proved so popular that it became a monster! Stumbling around the town like a well-meaning but clumsy giant, it stole the people's attention with its flashy smile, and devoured every media outlet in sight.

Fed fibs by evil publicists, Melbournians came to believe that comedy now happens only in the month of April. At this time, they join long queues and hand over lots of hard-earned cash to see comedy Stars, while greedy promoters rub their hands with glee, and ticket agencies laughingly charge them another "$8.50 booking fee" to talk to a computer.

Meanwhile, in the alley bars of this wintry town, tiny comedy venues linger on. Eager young artists slowly lower their hopes, as they perform to grateful, but dwindling, audiences. They struggle out of bed every afternoon, telling themselves that, just maybe, tonight will be the night they'll be spotted by a talent booker from Rove.

Then, one day, they get a radio show, and become a Star. Come April, the people who never visited them in the dingy alley bars now joyously join queues and pay ridiculous money to see them perform the same jokes they were performing a year ago for a fiver.

But that's when they become part of a sadder story still, and one oft forgotten.

In the TV studios and breakfast radio shows of the nation, hundreds of Stars are enslaved by The Man. They are there because they are funny. And every Festival, they enjoy the love of thousands of fans. But, deep in their hearts, every Star longs to be a simple comedian once more.

They miss the intimate spaces of the alley bars, the joy of seeing the faces of their audience without spotlights getting in the way. They hope for a day when they might pass on to young comedians the wisdom once imparted to them by comics who have long since died and gone to Cranbourne.

All these people need their hearts healed! The Stars, the up-and-coming comedians, and - most importantly - the comedy punters, must unite, rise up, and claim their rightful heritage! And luckily, we've got just the place to do it!

and we'll even have you home at a sensible hour!